You smell like stripper and shame
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
