just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
