We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
