I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
