watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
