Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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