The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
