I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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