my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize