just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
