last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize