clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
