i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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