you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
so much tequila, so little girl.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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