a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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