tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
