Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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