she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
