Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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