I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
this just has baby written all over it
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
i now understand why vodka
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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