dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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