My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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