my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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