Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
