last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
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Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
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I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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