I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
