Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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