omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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