Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
