He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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