anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
