I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We need to rekindle our bromance
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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