Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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