i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
