i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
