Screwed.edu
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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