just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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