Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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