Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
