exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
