I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
