I faked an abortion last night.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
