Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
