How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
