I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
