your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
