mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
