It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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