I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
