you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
