My pussy is not your playground.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We are all done wearing pants today
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