so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
