I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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