My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
and you fell through a lawn chair
Randomize
