Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
