so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
