Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
