Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
