Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
