A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
