tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
