I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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