Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
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