I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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